Confusion in PhD

Confusion always exists in PhD, but at different levels. For people who are fresh or they have a clear and well-defined problem statement, it would be easier. For me it was very tough because I changed my field unintentionally. My BS was software engineering, for MS I shifted to IT management and my Dissertation subject was about ERP Implementation in Steel Company. I wanted to continue my PhD in IT management as well. I applied for some American universities. However, Business is very competitive field in the US, especially at PhD level. My GMAT score was not that much high to compete with other candidates probably. Anyway, I did not have any other options but Malaysia. In Malaysia, after one year and half and changing a supervisor, the condition forced me to change the subject as well. Suddenly, I end up in Data Mining area! Because the new supervisor belonged to AI department! OMG, what am I doing here? It was late. However, there were not other way! If I wanted to move to another university, it was costly and time consuming process. Nevertheless, I liked this new area more than ERP that I was working on it before. So, I decided to learn everything from scratch. The most difficult part was that nobody was here to help me!

Sometime I get a headache. I have some papers that are speaking in advance level and I even do not know the terminology of the new area. It was a nightmare at the beginning. SVM? What is it? Threshold! OMG. It is very, very complicated sometimes. You think that you are a moron in the Neverhood. But, I am thankful that we are living in the world with the Internet. I should confess my teachers were the YouTube, Google and online courses. I do not know what did I do if there was no internet!

I do not know, maybe you that reading this post have such condition and you are in confusion. My advice as a person who was in high pressure and very long confusion is to use the Internet to teach yourself and be patient. I know sometime you are thinking of leaving the PhD and come back to your ex-life. However, I promise you, if you remain strong and patient, gradually this confusion will disappear. I agree it is very difficult, but all of us for a reason stared the PhD. Where there is a will, there is a way. Communicate with other scholar around the world, use the power of the cyber world. We can do it. I am sure.

We should be happy for who we are

Today I went to visit one of my friends. He is doing his PhD as well in KL. At the morning I met him in Yahoo Messenger and he asked what is my plan for today. Because today was a holiday, I decided to go to the swimming pool. He proposed me to join him and swim in their condo's pool. I thought it can be cool and accepted.

My friend was luckier than me and his supervisor had a well-defined proposal and he started to work with her with RA instantly. I always thought he was a fortunate guy. His PhD way was very smooth, he was a married guy and he had the chance to work in Singapore as well.

Finally, I get to his home. An old condo with long and dark vestibule. It reminded me the basement of Gestapo during the second world war that I had seen in the movies. With a row of opaque lights at the center. I saw someone at the end of the darkness is waving his hand. "Yeap it is here". His apartment was sweet apartment without bedroom and very dark. You could smell the dampness in the home clearly. Apparently, his wife had gone back to his homeland.

After a small conversation about the PhD situation, I felt he is not well that much. However, I did not take it seriously. We went to the pool and he said I do not feel well because last night I used a strong pill and after that I drunk alcohol. Last night I got optical illusion and I saw two kids. I was laughing at him. I could not believe him. After an hour we decided to go for launch. When he was wearing his clothes I felt he cannot keep his balance. Suddenly, he went to the kitchen and I heard that he is regurgitating. "OMG what happened?!" even he could not answer. I took a glass of water to him and leave him alone. I felt my presence can hurt his pride and maybe he does not like that I see him in this situation. He came out from the kitchen, but he was pale. Are you alright? Do you need help? Please rest...But he insisted that he is OK and it is because of alcohol. "Let's go out".

With his insists that he is OK, we left the house. On our way he was talking about Stephen Hopkins and his family problems that I saw he fell down on the street. I shocked! He was lucky that at that time we had a distance to the cars and they stopped. I took his arm and direct him to sit on the safety guard. In that time I really felt he is really sick. Still, he said :"I am alright. My foot twisted". However, I clearly saw he was dizzy and all his words about optical illusion was not a joke.

Finally, we got to the mall and eat our KFC. He continued his words and he kept asking some strange questions from me such as "What is your worst memory?". "What is the best for you in the world?",.. He gives some idea about psychology.. I asked about the pills that he had used and he indirectly answered that it was a drug for depression. I heard from a common friend that he is using the medicine. However, I did not have any idea what is his health problem. Usually, in such personal issues, I do not ask that many questions and try to be not curious. I do not like to penetrate into people's privacy and cause pain for them.

When I was going back to the home. During walking, I thought to all the today's incidents. I told myself. Never regret about others' lives. They have many big problems that they do not show to others. Just like an ice mountain, They only show the nice part of their lives to others. Be yourself and be happy. It was a big lesson for me. When I was watching the beautiful sunset in the KL sky, I was thinking how happy man I am...